Experience

I wasn't ready for you. When we met, I was still fully in the process of figuring myself out. Still caught up in everything I wanted to be, not what I was. And you were an experiment to me. They all were.
When we met, I wanted to test the boundaries. See what I was capable of. 

 I later learned that it's dangerous to push boundaries. People take what they want. And I should've known better.

 I'm not writing this to claim you were the one that got away. By no means do I think that. No one has entered into my life that has made me feel they were important enough to claim a status like that. 

 But I think you were necessary. I needed the experience of you. The trial and error. 

 I thought you had given me enough knowledge to be ready for what came later. But I was wrong about that too. I think I underestimated the world we live in and the people who inhabit it. See, I'm usually good at reading people. I can anticipate things. And with you I did; but you somehow found a way to take the upperhand from me and end it all. 
I wasn't surprised. Just confused. 

 But it was all a learning process. 
And I'm still learning. 
I just keep being disappointed by the content I'm taught and by the people who teach me. 

Popular posts from this blog

Disappointment

It's taken me years to get over you. I'll admit that I've liked you for that long. At least, I'll admit it here, where I'm fairly certain you'll never find it. That's okay, probably better this way anyway. But all that aside, I doubt I'll ever actually tell you how I felt all that time, and especially not after the realization I've come to recently about you. I've realized that liking you has been masochistic for me. I always knew I would never want to tell you how I felt, and I never liked you enough to have an actual, plausible hope that we would someday be together. No. I'm a realist, and I never hoped for something I knew would never happen. But I'm almost thankful that you showed your true colors, who you really  are. Becuase seeing you act so pathetically, so disgustingly eager to please someone else, has made it easy to realize you never deserved to be on the pedestal I'd had you on for so many years. So if I could, I would...
I'm Intrigued »

Words Unsaid

I didn't mean to blow up at you like I did. You must think I'm crazy. That I'm childish and scattered. I suppose you might be right. But it's just not fair, you know? It's not fair that I can care so much and you can care so little. I know I might have been harsh. Might have made a mountain out of a hill. But it just hurts thinking you don't care. That I might mean nothing to you. I can't figure out whether you're worth all of this or not. In reality, you probably aren't. But me being me, I am predisposed to hand out second chance after second chance and to give you more credit than you deserve. It's in my blood; in my soul. I cling on to the hope that you'll prove me wrong. Even though it hurts me. Even though I would do anything to change it. To protect myself. You're lucky. Because I am incapable of protecting myself from you. But I think you know that somehow. On some level. But you seem to mistake my kindness for weakn...
I'm Intrigued »