Thoughts Into Words

I didn't mean to blow up at you like I did. You must think I'm crazy. That I'm childish and scattered. I suppose you might be right. But it's just not fair, you know? It's not fair that I can care so much and you can care so little. I know I might have been harsh. Might have made a mountain out of a hill. But it just hurts thinking you don't care. That I might mean nothing to you. I can't figure out whether you're worth all of this or not. In reality, you probably aren't. But me being me, I am predisposed to hand out second chance after second chance and to give you more credit than you deserve. It's in my blood; in my soul. I cling on to the hope that you'll prove me wrong. Even though it hurts me. Even though I would do anything to change it. To protect myself. You're lucky. Because I am incapable of protecting myself from you. But I think you know that somehow. On some level. But you seem to mistake my kindness for weakn...

I used to love secrets. Mysteries have always intrigued me, and the thought of ever showing someone all of my cards just seemed unthinkable to me. Why would you let someone know everything about you? Because then, what's the point for them? If you give someone the power to know everything about you, then what's the point of sticking around? Where's the intrigue? What's to stop them from walking away? I've always liked to leave a little something in the dark with people. No one knows me 100%, and I've worked extremely hard to achieve that. But now I feel my secrets are getting in the way. I just have too many 'big ones' now. Too many secrets that might change how people would see me if they knew. They're always on the tip of my tongue, the forefront of my mind, and I have to make a conscious effort to keep them locked up. I know they have the power to set me free, but not without unimaginable consequences. I've been trying to be more honest ...

It's taken me years to get over you. I'll admit that I've liked you for that long. At least, I'll admit it here, where I'm fairly certain you'll never find it. That's okay, probably better this way anyway. But all that aside, I doubt I'll ever actually tell you how I felt all that time, and especially not after the realization I've come to recently about you. I've realized that liking you has been masochistic for me. I always knew I would never want to tell you how I felt, and I never liked you enough to have an actual, plausible hope that we would someday be together. No. I'm a realist, and I never hoped for something I knew would never happen. But I'm almost thankful that you showed your true colors, who you really  are. Becuase seeing you act so pathetically, so disgustingly eager to please someone else, has made it easy to realize you never deserved to be on the pedestal I'd had you on for so many years. So if I could, I would...

I wish I had the balls to tell you off. Because everything that happened between us was fucked, and I wish I had known how to fix it when it was in the process of happening. I can't really even coherently explain what took place, and I think that's one of the most frustrating parts of it all. I didn't need that in my life, and especially not with everything else I had going on. Everything you never knew about, or, never cared to know about. Believe me, I almost told you everything a million different times. I thought I might be able to trust you. But you proved to me time and time again that my issues were irrelevant in the scope of your problems. That was when I started to sense the beginning of the end for us. We both made mistakes, and we both did things we shouldn't have. But even still, I was careful with you. Because I truly thought you were different. They say hindsight is 20/20, and before you, I never understood the saying. But now I do. Going back through ...

I wasn't ready for you. When we met, I was still fully in the process of figuring myself out. Still caught up in everything I wanted to be, not what I was. And you were an experiment to me. They all were. When we met, I wanted to test the boundaries. See what I was capable of.  I later learned that it's dangerous to push boundaries. People take what they want. And I should've known better. I'm not writing this to claim you were the one that got away. By no means do I think that. No one has entered into my life that has made me feel they were important enough to claim a status like that.  But I think you were necessary. I needed the experience of you. The trial and error.  I thought you had given me enough knowledge to be ready for what came later. But I was wrong about that too. I think I underestimated the world we live in and the people who inhabit it. See, I'm usually good at reading people. I can anticipate things. And with you I did; but you somehow fo...